Ain't Gonna Work No More, No More...

Satirical Transcript of a telephone conversation between a Glengarry Landowner and his Lawyer:

“Judy, Judy, jeez I’m glad I got a hold of you. You got a few minutes? Good. Listen Judy, I’ve got this fantastic idea and I want to run the legalities by you, okay?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking that this working for a living isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you know, because I want to slow down in my middle years, okay. So, here’s my plan Judy. Myself and a few friends and family members are each going to start up an Eco-charity. You know, Glengarry Friends of Fur and Feathers…something like that. And then we each make ourselves head of our own particular charity, a paying position of course. And we don’t have to declare any money that comes in because we’re a charity, right? Right.”

“So anyways, like I was saying, we’re each the head of our own charity and we’re all getting a bit of cash from donations and stuff like that, but we’re not exactly rolling in it, if you know what I mean. I think it’s called a revenue shortfall.”

“So what do you think about this Judy: We then start this Greenbelt Commission around Alexandria and another one around Maxville and yet a third around Glen Robertson - we’re going to call it the Greater Glengarry Greenbelt. And what we’re going to do is real simple. We form this Greenbelt to save the land around these villages in the name of Suzuki, Gore, May and all the little vegetarians yet-to-be-born, and once we get it up and running, we squeal to McGuinty for funding. And we’ll get it, because this save-the-land-by-stealing-it stuff is important to McGuinty, right. We just got to promise to say nice things about The Fibber every time there’s an election.”

“Anyway, here comes the good part Judy, wait ‘til you hear this. We take that tax-payer money Judy, and we just hand it out to our own charities. Yup, real simple. Pretty slick, eh? You know, I’ve got the Save Glengarry Whales Conservancy and I get a couple a hundred grand or so. Course, I don’t raise my hand and vote for it – I just sit that one out and let the rest of them make that decision. Then when it’s my brother’s turn (he’s got the High Plains Defence Foundation) he abstains while we vote to send some coin his way. And my buddy Jim, well he gets a boodle for his Bambis without Borders, and so on, and so on. ‘Effin brilliant, eh?”

“So what do you think about that Judy?”

“Whadayamean I’ll spend my retirement in jail? Judy, Judy, it’s not illegal. Honest. I was reading this piece about the GTA Greenbelt by Ian Cumming in Ontario Farmer… Judy, Judy, no, no, we’re not really hosin’ the taxpayer Judy, we’re saving the environment, don’t hang up Judy….Judy?”

Jamie MacMaster



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